You’ve started a new routine. You’re making good changes and working hard to mentally and emotionally stay the course, so why are people seemingly against you? Why can’t they get on board with the program? Fun fact: Change is easier with support! Not so fun fact: People often resist change. It’s not just happening to you, and it can be disheartening when it happens. We want affirmation, not resistance. How we handle this resistance in our brains and behavior matters. Think about it: As women with ADHD, we’ve been conditioned to look for affirmation of our choices since we were young with subtle (or not-so-subtle) cues that we can’t trust ourselves. It makes resistance even harder to deal with. So the good news? You’re normal. The bad news? No bad news, but I’ll give you another good news: we can learn how to counter resistance and continue to move forward!
Facing Resistance Let’s start by saying that we all at times, resist change. I’ve resisted good change, especially as a mom of adult kids. I’ve had to adjust to changes that were good for them but not what I expected. Sometimes I want the old way back. I remember when one of my kids stopped sending me “funny goodnight memes.” If you’re a mom, you know how hard it can be to pull back and see the big picture as our children grow up. We resist good changes, too. Currently, I’m resisting system upgrades (I’m still using Windows 10) and letting my son drive himself to all his activities. I like Windows 10. I want to spend quality time with my son. I’ll update my laptop eventually, and I do allow him to drive himself to many of his activities. But you hear what I’m saying?
But what about when we experience resistance to our own growth? That’s what we are talking about. Now that we have some healthy perspective and even empathy for those who resist our good changes, let’s dig into this. Resistance can feel confusing, frustrating, and sometimes painful, especially when you’re already unsure if you’re on the right path. And with ADHD, we do wonder if we are doing it right. If we are going to change something, take on the risk of failure, we want to do it right.
When I first started making big changes in my life, like setting boundaries, the resistance I faced made me question everything. I backtracked on my progress because I felt like I was doing something wrong. I wish someone had told me sooner that this is completely normal—especially for those of us with ADHD!
I’ll share a real-life example that will illustrate this. I realized that a cluttered kitchen completely derailed my brain, drained my energy, and left me irritated. So, I came up with the brilliant idea to keep the kitchen completely clutter-free. The problem? Our kitchen was the family hub, right in the middle of everything, and basically a passageway from one end of the house to the other. With four kids, it quickly became the dumping ground.
I’m not talking about a few stray papers or a stack of mail—think sports equipment (my son once “aired out” his hockey gear on the kitchen floor!), half-done art projects, random socks (why are there always socks in the kitchen?), books, tools from half-finished projects… you name it. I tried different tactics to manage it, but I met a lot of resistance. My husband didn’t mind the clutter and liked to keep things “handy,” and my kids were always “coming back in a minute” to deal with their things. Sound familiar?
Of course, I got plenty of pushback. And to be fair, some of the things I tried were bad ideas. Pleading, begging, making deals like “I can’t bake cookies if I’m tripping over hockey pads,” and even punishing didn’t work. They helped a bit, but nothing stuck long-term.
The worst part? I felt like I’d become a naggy, negative, irritable person—someone I didn’t want to be. Finally, I came up with an idea: I placed two large bins in another room. Every day, I’d scoop up all the clutter, toss it into a bin, and say, “Go look in the bin,” instead of ranting in frustration. It worked for me. It was a positive change for everyone.
But even this good change was met with resistance. Why? Because people often resist change (at least at first).
For us ADHD women, resistance often feels like rejection on a deep level. That’s because many of us deal with something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), which makes us extra sensitive to any perceived criticism or rejection.
Here’s the thing about RSD—it amplifies emotions. When someone resists or pushes back against a change we’ve made, it doesn’t just feel like a simple disagreement. It feels like a harsh critique not only of the new habit or method we’re trying but of who we are at our core. The emotions feel bigger, almost overwhelming, and that resistance hits differently than it might for someone without ADHD.
Instead of seeing resistance as someone’s discomfort with change (which is normal), we often internalize it as a judgment on our worth, abilities, and choices. We may feel like we’ve messed up again, like we’re failing, or like we’re just not good enough. It’s not just that a strategy didn’t work out—it’s that we feel like we didn’t work out.
This can make standing firm in the face of resistance feel much harder, as our brains process that pushback as a threat to our self-esteem or personal identity. That’s why learning how to trust ourselves is even more crucial for women with ADHD. It’s about remembering that your worth is not tied to someone else’s approval or their reaction to your growth. You’re not wrong for changing, even if others aren’t immediately on board.
Understanding this emotional impact can help us respond more calmly and compassionately to resistance—and most importantly, keep moving forward with the changes we know are good for us.
What you can count on when the resistance is thick. Have you ever driven a car at night through dense fog or a torrential downpour? Remember what you learned in driver’s education: look at the line on the road. The line is going to keep you from veering dangerously to the left or the right. You can keep going forward with your goals even when the fog rises. Here’s some “White Truth Lines” to keep in mind.
- Don’t seek validation from just anyone. Women with ADHD often second-guess ourselves, but you don’t need someone else to tell you you’re on the right track. We do need support from the right someone.
- Resistance reveals hidden issues. When someone resists your growth, it can highlight problems in the relationship you’ve been avoiding. Some people have their own problems or places they need to change and grow. Resistance may have nothing to do with you or what you’re doing.
- Stand firm. You’re allowed to respond to resistance and hold your ground. We love adapting, finding a middle ground, and looking for a win-win, but there is a time to stick to your guns.
- Change brings more change. Keep going, even when it’s messy or awkward. New ideas and approaches are birthed from failed plans. Don’t turn back.
Strategies that help. The reality is, that even close friends or family might resist at first, but true relationships will survive—and even thrive—through change. So, how do you keep moving forward without losing your peace? Since some resistance is inevitable and normal, it’s helpful to have a few practical strategies in our pocket. Here are some strategies I’ve learned that help:
- Keep it brief. You don’t need to engage in every argument or justify your choices. We tend to over-explain things that we don’t need to.
- Allow others to have their opinions. Let them feel how they feel, while you continue to stay in your truth.
- Take a break. Space can help you process without pressure.
- Spot manipulation. Be aware of guilt trips or tricks meant to pull you back into your old self.
Trust Yourself One of the hardest lessons for us ADHD women is learning to trust ourselves. But if you’re growing, making positive changes, and adapting as you go, trust that you’re on the right path—even when things go wrong. You’ll make adjustments along the way, but that’s part of the process. Responding to resistance is part of your growth.
So, trust your journey, celebrate the good changes, and keep moving forward. You’ve got this!